Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
