I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
