You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
