Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
