the condom got lost in my hair
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am spending my child support on dildos
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
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