Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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