Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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