She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
