My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
