My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
