If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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