Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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