and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
