Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
