Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
