piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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