I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize