i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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