We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
