how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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