I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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