woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
