Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize