I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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