I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
