just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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