Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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