forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
