Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
