Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
