i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
