We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
