Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
