I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
