I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Jerry, you need to find god
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
