It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
