I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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