I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
