Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Randomize
