I met the friendliest cop last night
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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