How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
