I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
