You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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