Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
