I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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