Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
