we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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