dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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