Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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