I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
