Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
