My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
