Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
