When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
