Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
