I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
